Racket emotions– The Mask We Were Taught to Wear

"You have to be strong!"

"Don’t cry. You’re a strong person.""

You’re ugly when you cry."

Many of us grew up hearing these kinds of phrases over and over again.Unconsciously, the child learns: sadness is not allowed.Yet—they still feel something.

They notice that when they’re sad, they’re dismissed or scolded.But they also notice that when they’re angry, adults react strongly. Even if they’re being punished, they’re seen. They’re noticed. Anger makes them visible. Anger gives them energy.

So slowly, they start turning that vague “something” they feel into the emotion that brings attention: sadness gets buried, pushed deep into the unconscious, and replaced with anger.They’re labeled “stubborn,” “strong-willed,” or even “a rebel.”In this way, anger becomes a sort of privilege. It works.

But as an adult, this child-now-grown struggles to build authentic relationships.When something causes sadness, they lash out. They become defensive. When sadness breaks through, they may feel ashamed and hide it—or get angry at the person or situation that made the emotion visible. They fall back on old strategies, old coping mechanisms that once kept them safe by projecting a strong image.

Yet in adult life, emotional outbursts rarely (if ever) get the response they once did.

So—what if, in those moments, the adult pauses… and validates the child who was never allowed to be sad?What if they give themselves permission to feel the real, core emotion—not the anger, not the mask they’ve been wearing—but the authentic one?Whether that’s sadness, fear, or something else they once learned to suppress.

In Transactional Analysis, these cover-up emotions are called racket emotions—false feelings that were encouraged or allowed in childhood, while the real ones were discouraged or punished.That’s why someone might laugh and say: “Haha, my dad used to beat me and my sister.”But really—there’s nothing funny about that.It’s a survival mechanism. A way to cover up the pain and avoid the real emotion underneath.

In therapy, the psychotherapist notices these emotional mismatches and gently works with the client to uncover the true, authentic feeling underneath.Because the Adult has survived.They no longer need to rely on racket emotions to cope.And once those masks come down, they can begin forming deeper, more genuine relationships—grounded in authenticity, not performance.

– Florența